As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Neighbor! 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. For all that the Your X is Valid thing is trending nowadays, you still need to be able to have basic conversations with people, which includes stuff like this. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. This comment has clarified a thing for me. Me: Nope. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. Fill in the gaps using the correct form of Future Simple Tense. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). The Captains advice is great. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. But then theres her Im going to need you to be my helper for Christmas Day because Im getting older, and that doesnt seem so presumptuousits MY Christmas Day and MY extended family too. There were SO many helpful suggestions in here. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." It is trickery and so frustrating. Or Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. I also ignore We should hang out soon! It doesnt replace actually reaching out to me and trying to set up plans. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. Its okay that my body needs time to recuperate. Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? That doesnt make it okay. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. B: Cool. Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! Its not lazy that I did X this week which meant I was in pain by Friday night. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. Because it's funny when friends say they'd only run in chased and we know that's perfect because we could run longer. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. I don't know, you tell me. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. 2. That's it, nothing extra. I mean, they might not vote for an actual white supremist, but that belief is definitely lurking there (like, even if they dont vote for an out-and-out white supremist, they still have the belief that white people are leadership material than poc); and they might not say these things to your face, but they will do/say things that prop up model minority nonsense (eg, anti-Blackness in the presence of other racial minorities) and are nice only as long as you stay in your place and dont challenge them as long as you dont call them out or challenge their perception of what poc can do, as in your example. Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). So I know what youre talking about. Try repeating Fine, thanks. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. Which sometimes was fine but not always. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? People use it for all sorts of reasons. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Thanks! and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. You could just ask. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. Reading, learning, documentaries, podcasts, etc. What are you up to this weekend? But Im not interested in any work-related socializing that eats into my personal life). Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. heres what i dont get: why would it be a problem, in the scenario youve given, to say, eh, i wish, but im swamped this week, shitYXZs been happening, ill ping you next week tho. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. I also agree that this is a loaded question and it also makes me on edge when someone I do not know that well asks it. YES, THIS. And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! (Seriously? As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. 1. Same as being busy all the time rather than saying, No, I dont want to hang out. Its the more broad-scope? Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. You obviously dont have to do things any differently than you are, BUT if this conversation is frustrating and/or awkward, you may find that it goes more smoothly if you offer something up. The fallout you talk about? Its the best. (that said, I do aim at treating her the way I would an adult roommate.) That would create some damage. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. ), This is one of those times where having a live-in or serious SO/partner/spouse is super convenient. / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. I would much rather receive hey want to check out the Frida Kahlo photography exhibit? or are you free to take the kids for a few hours??? This suitable during the Halloween period. I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? THIS. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. I just had a talk with my DD about this- she will text me do we have plans Saturday I usually respond with Why? Obviously we have a different relationship than a friend to friend thing. I can deal with how are you, since that has an easy script for answering even if it took me a while to memorize it, and where are you from. I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. Bear in mind that you may only ask where are you from once, but the person with the non-local accent is not unlikely to be asked multiple times a day, every single day for YEARS; and POC may be on the receiving end for their whole lives. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. And I have to say, my, Toss her out and let her adult, is in flat contradiction to my frequent assertion that successful launching has been economically tough for young adults for some time now. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. How are you? Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? (Like the How are you? inquiries) I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). Speak to US respectfully. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. There was definitely conflict where trying to balance and figure out fairness, safety, and compassion were difficult and sometimes heated. Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime?
Catherine Spender Wife Of John Spender, Recent Deaths In Blount County, Alabama, Articles F